


Our Weakness

by Heikethelen



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-04 23:46:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13375608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heikethelen/pseuds/Heikethelen
Summary: I can’t remember the last time I had a real laugh with Sam. That realization alone might be enough to drive me in a state of anxiety.





	1. Lovers

**Author's Note:**

> This is my version ( fictional ) of what went down in the past few weeks. Hold on tight, it won't always be pretty.

I can’t remember the last time I had a real laugh with Sam. That realization alone might be enough to drive me in a state of anxiety.

Are we losing each other, is that even possible? 

There was never any danger in taking what Sam and I had for granted. It is unique, abnormal almost. The abnormality of it made it even more magnetic. But maybe I was wrong to believe that it would stop us from drifting apart.

Suddenly, there is not enough air in the bloody trailer for me to think or even breath.

Sam and I have been sharing a trailer since the very first days of shooting. At first it was only because things happened so fast, they did not even have the time to get another trailer. It was not a priority. But as the time went by, we got used to it, and the idea of not sharing one felt unnatural.

The noise of the door takes me out of my reverie, and I can’t control the wave of anxiety that hits me from the thought of seeing him. 

But when he comes back tonight, he does not talk to me. I can’t exactly say when things started changing, but they have. Between the stress of the production, the numerous travels, and our personal life, we somehow lost what we had build over time. 

I can’t let that happen. Somewhere deep down, I know most of it is on me. I am the one who is naturally more distant. I am also the one that was convinced that being together would kill our career, or that we should start seeing other people.

Maybe I was wrong.

He is sitting on the couch in front of me, certainly scrolling down Twitter. Suddenly the silence is unbearable, and I am up and walking towards him before I even notice it. He doesn’t raise his head, and in a rush of courage, I decide to straddle him. He doesn’t even flinch. 

Maybe he wants me to overreact. Wouldn’t be the first time. Except I won’t, not tonight.

« Sam » I gently lift his chin up, and from the look on his face, I am certain he can see the desperation in my eyes.

After what feels like endless moments, I feel his guard come down, and his body relax under mine. If I was not so determined, I would have let out a sob. 

I bite my lip when he brings one of his hand on the back of my neck, and guides me in the crook of his neck.

I can breathe again. 

The past few weeks have been challenging, and although we see each other almost every day, it feels like we haven’t really been with each other for an eternity. Everything got confusing, and maybe we were both too scared to act on it. To admit that we were heading somewhere we hated. At least, that I know I despise.

I gain even more courage when I feel his hands caressing my back and making their way under my shirt, and I gently move my lips on the side of his neck. How much I missed him. 

« I miss you so much » I whisper the words somewhere against his neck, perhaps he did not even them properly. But then, he tenderly drives me closer to him and I know he did.

« Come spend the night? We can drive to the airport together tomorrow »

His hands stop their calming movements on my back, and for a moment I am terribly afraid I misjudged the situation. Maybe I should not have said anything. I can’t move.

I feel him take a breath, and I am sure he is going to leave. 

But I then feel his lips against my ear, and he whispers a soft ok that gives me all the hope I need for now. 

« Do you…are you sure, um…» Fuck, why is so hard for me to form a proper sentence around him right now? 

« Caitriona » he says gently, cupping my cheek. My heart flutters from the tender gesture, and I swallow.

He smiles. « Yes, I want to spend the night with you. »

How the fuck am I going to do this?


	2. Break Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments and kudos ! I hope you'll like this chapter.

I am the one who insists in driving to my place together. He thinks we might make people talk, but for once I just can’t bring myself to care. I am afraid he will change his mind if we don’t.

Fuck them.

I still can’t help myself from thinking that he never mentioned about caring about them before. I have to put that thought at the back of my mind for now, before I completely lose my composure.

When we finally get in the car, I don’t know what to do. It feels like an in-between. We both know something will inevitably come out of today, and perhaps the implication of it is too daunting to even look at each other.

As long as we don’t say anything, nothing will change.

I can’t exactly describe how I feel, but it’s not quite right. And it leaves me cold and scared.

« So, where am I taking you kids ? » 

David takes me out of my reverie, reminding me of where I am actually going.

« Um to Cait’s please » He says this in such a normal way. How can he act so normally right now? How can he be so composed?

But then I guess we are actors, pretending is what we do best. It sometimes drives me absolutely crazy. I am afraid he is not telling me the truth, that he is always pretending around me. I never questioned him before, but now I can’t help but reconsider everything.

Maybe because I know I am quite good at pretending too.

« It’s been a little while, eh? » Yes, it absolutely has.

David loves to talk. So much, that is sometimes can get a little problematic.

I see the way he looks at us in the mirror. Something between mischief and amusement. I know he means well, but I can’t _pretend_ , not now.

If only he knew.

No one talks for the whole ride.

 

* * *

 

« Hello Eddie » Greeting Eddie was always the first thing he did when he came to my place. I am glad that did not change. For myself, but also for Eddie as odd as it seems. He knows how much I love her, he always cared.

He kneels next to her and scratches behind her ears. I can’t help but smile.

I am so glad he’s here, it might be ok after all.

« I think she missed you » Just like I did.

He laughs a little and takes her in his arms « Ah, I missed you too luv ».

Eddie doesn’t usually like to be held by other people. But Sam was always an exception.

He is such a man-child. And I love him.

« Do you want anything to drink? »

« Yes, Whiskey. »

I walk towards my kitchen, and I half expect him to follow me. Except he doesn’t. And as I grab the bottle of Whiskey, I am suddenly reminded of the first night he was here. So long ago now.  

_« Do you want anything to drink? » I somehow manage to get the words out between two laughs. He’s been telling me random stories of his first times in the States, and how he felt completely out of place. It might not even be that funny, but it’s Sam. So yes, it is funny._

_I want to tell him how much I was lost too when I first left Ireland. I want to tell him absolutely everything. Every secret I have. Even the dark ones. And boy do I have some._

_« Yes madam, I believe I will have some Whiskey. » He answers me with the worst impression of an American accent, and I can’t help but admire the person that he is for whatever reason. It’s like I can just feel that his soul is genuine._

_He’s just himself._

_Not like other people I have been with._

_He actually insists on serving me a drink. Even if I am the one who invited him over. He does all these random tricks with the bottle and the ice cubs, and he tells me he used to work in a pub in another lifetime._

_« I wish I would have met you before » The words are out before I can even think to stop them. And what was a rather funny moment, becomes a turning point._

_Before when I was lost, before when we were younger and careless, before when the success of production was not weighting on our shoulders. Before, before, before._

_He lets go everything and traps me between him and the counter._

_I can’t breathe, but at the same time I never felt more free._

_He kisses me for the first time, and I know I found what I always missed. I found the other part of myself._

How did we get here ? How did everything get so messed up?

I can’t stop my hands from shaking.

I can’t figure out if Whiskey is everything that I need right now, or if it is everything I should avoid.

« Cait » I did not even notice his presence behind me. I couldn’t even say for how long he’s been standing there.

Have I been gone for that long?

Like he did so many other times before, he presses himself against me, and hugs my back to his front. His hold is steady and reassuring. I can somehow feel that he wants to tell me something. Or maybe he doesn’t know what he can or cannot say.

All of this is too much, and I start crying.

But he never lets go of me. He gently rocks us from side to side, all the while keeping his lips on my cheek. I thread my fingers through his, and hope that he has enough strength for the both us.

His next words give me hope that he might.

« I am always here, with you » he kisses my cheek again and tightens his hold on me « let’s go upstairs. We’ll figure everything out, I promise. »

With everything that I am, I hope to God that we will.

 


	3. Interpassion

_And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long_

I read these words somewhere. I don’t know why, it’s the only thing I can think about right now.

Sam lays me on the bed, and kisses my forehead. When he does not make a move to lay next to me, I grab his hand and pull him down to me.

« What are you doing? » I don’t know why I am whispering. There is no one else but us.

« I’ll be back in 2 minutes » 

What should I tell him? That I am sorry and that I love him? That I wish we just left the show and let them figure out their success without us?

It’s been so much harder than I ever thought possible. I always dreamed of being an actress. That’s always the first thing that I wanted, being an artist. But then life happened, and I somehow found myself in Paris surrounded by people that did not really understand who I was. And somehow, in the mist of it, I forgot who I was too.

I was always a little rebellious, but this part of myself took over when I was a model. Maybe because I felt like that’s how I needed to be to make my place and stand in my power. So today, it’s hard to risk the career that I always wanted. And Sam naturally suffered from my decisions too. Even though from the first moment I laid my eyes on him, he reminded me of who I really was.

I see him come back in the room with two glasses of water. I guess Whiskey is not a part of the equation anymore.

He puts one on my bedside table, and walks over to his side. He gets under the cover, and for the first time today, we don’t hesitate to hold each other. Within seconds I am engulfed in his embrace.

I wish I could crawl inside him.

We stay like that, curled around each other for a little while. At one point I feel like I am going to fall asleep before we even talk about anything.

« I am so sorry Sam » The words are muffled against his chest, and he lifts my chin up.

He takes a deep breath and tucks a wild piece of hair behind my ear. « I know. I am sorry too »

I chuckle and roll my eyes at him. He’s quite good at this taking the blame thing.

« You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I am the one who ruined everything »

« That’s not true love » His tender half smile and the way he looks at me makes me want to believe him.

How can he always be so quick to forgive me?

« You and I, maybe we’ve been through too much together. Maybe everything that we carry together makes it impossible for us to go forward. As one. »

« Do you really believe that? » Because I know that despite everything, I don’t ever see myself reaching that conclusion. And I have a hard time imagining he would too. Unless I really made him want to take some distance from me.

« I don’t know what I believe. But I have to make sense of things, in any way that I can »

« I should have never force an open relationship on you. I don’t know how I ever thought I could share you with anyone else. Look what it did to us. »

Turns out I am actually the one who could not stand an open relationship after all. Even though I did it before. But no one ever meant as much to me before. No one. It felt like sharing my soul.

And I sometimes wanted to kill him when I saw him smile next to that woman.

« Caitriona you did not force it on me. I agreed to it too. » A part of me knows that’s only a half truth. Of course he did, but I also made it clear to him that it was either that or nothing. And I knew he wouldn’t take nothing. Neither did I. So I was counting him to say yes, for the both of us. The opposite would have killed me. Anything sounded better than nothing.

_« You know how I feel about you Caitriona; I can’t just turn it off. And being occasionally with you certainly won’t help »_

_« You think I don’t love you too? »_

_« I think you don’t know what you want. And I am tired of waiting for you to figure it out»_

I still replay that night in my head.

« Yes, but you wanted – » He doesn’t leave me a chance to even finish my sentence.

« I know what I wanted. What I still want »

What he still wants. 

In a momentum of courage, love and desperation, I grab his face and put my lips on his.

The kiss is slow and passionate. A strange mix between love and longing. Our tongues carefully seek each other out, and I press my hands to his cheeks, bringing him closer to me. For a second I think that maybe, I am awfully wrong and I should accept our new reality.

Expect that I am selfish, and I don’t want to.

So the next words are spoken from the deepest part of my heart « I love you »

He kisses me deeply, and I know that like always, our actions will speak louder than any words he could ever say. Sam is probably one of the most emotional person I have ever met. So much that he sometimes can’t put into words what he really feels. That was always part of the problem. I wish he would tell me that he loves me too, but I know that maybe he can’t say it.

His sensibility and his big heart is also what makes me love even more.

I feel my heart thumping somewhere in my throat and I can’t believe I still feel like this. Like the first time.

His lips are everyone at once, and in the moment everything is right. He is here, with me, and I could not ask for anything more. I know we should still talk, and I know what I have to tell him might end it all. But I am not willing to risk the moment.

Sam probably knows the wheels are turning into my head, but he doesn’t say anything. He takes me by surprise when blows a raspberry kiss on my stomach, and I actually burst out laughing. It feels so incredibly good. The smile he gives me is one of the prettiest thing I have ever seen.

« Oh, I missed your laugh » he tells me in a tender way.

« I want you so much » In the moment, nothing has ever been so true.

He bumps his nose against mine, and I know it’s just the two of us now.

I straddle him and kiss his shoulder, then this collarbone, then up along the slope of his neck, covering him in kisses. I move to his ear, biting his earlobe gently, and he moans. His hands move to cover my breasts as I finally reach his face, moving to kiss his lips but landing somewhere near the edge of his mouth instead, and he makes a sound of frustration that turns into a laugh. I kiss his forehead, and he closes his eyes, so I kiss his eyelids too, then his temples, his cheekbones, and all along his jaw line.

I never even suspected that I could ever love someone so much.

When he finally thrusts into me, I let out a noise between a moan and a sob. My legs wrap around his back to hold him close and he interlocks our fingers by my head. Our eyes don’t move from each other’s as our hips roll together. It’s a constant back and forth and every time he tries to pull out to thrust back in, I whimper. « I am right here love » he breathes the words into my mouth.

And then the words that I love him escape me again…and again…and again until the softly spoken words are just as vital to our lovemaking as our physical connection.

After, we just lay there, enjoying each other’s presence. His hand is drawing an invisible masterpiece on my back, and the comfort of it is so grand that I find myself almost falling asleep for the second time tonight.

Why can’t it always be that simple?

« What do you want for supper, I’ll cook you something » the words are murmured against the crook of his neck, and a soft kiss on my forehead quickly follows my question.

« Don’t you want to order in, I don’t feel like moving right now » he secures his hold on me to emphases his feeling, and I know what he means. But I also want to spoil him. For once, whilst I still can.

Let me play the fucking housewife, even if it's only for one night.

« No, I want to cook something you love » I smile tenderly at him « anything you want »

« Well, if you insist » he rolls on top of me, and leaves a series of kisses on the side of my neck. I sigh out of pure pleasure, give him better access to my neck.

« Hey » Sam whispers and brings my thoughts immediately back to him. His palm is cradling my cheek when he says « I love you too »

I fight the urge to cry and snuggle up close to him. I stroke the hair above his ear. « Don't forget, okay? »

« I won't forget if you don't change your mind » he grins then places a soft kiss on the tip of my nose.

I never will, but then he might.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for your comments and likes ! Get ready for the next chapter, it's going to be a big one :)


	4. Mortal

_« Umm, it so smells good » Finally, he’s here. He’s had a long day of filming, and I’ve been craving his touch all day. Not just his touch, but everything that he is._

_I don’t remember ever feeling this way before, and it scares me a little. I was always my own person, before belonging to anyone. I am not sure I understand what is happening to me, but I am not sure I want it to stop either._

_So I’ve prepared a whole meal for him. And just why exactly am I so nervous?_

__

_He comes up behind me and gently hugs me from behind. I must be looking like a lovesick fool right now, but I think I might be. I can’t remove the smile from my face._

_« I’ve missed you today » He breathes the word against my ear, and I shudder against him. I think he might whisper something about love against my ear, but between the euphoric joy of having him back and the other words he whispers, I am not so sure._

_« I’ve missed you too » I turn my head, and softly presses my lips against him. I could get used to this._

__

_Later that night, we lay together, all of our limbs tangled. I am starting to believe that I would be content to die here, with him in this bed. I am overwhelmed with all kind of feelings and emotions. I would probably do anything for him, for us. He has my heart now, and in return of gave me a love so pure and beautiful, I don’t ever want him to give it back to me. If thought I might have been in love before, I now know that I was mistaken. I was never myself enough to let every part of myself go, or to feel even. But Sam now gives me strength whilst still allowing me to be vulnerable. Oddly enough, it does not scare me. I hope I allow him to feel the same._

_I move my lips in gentle caresses on the side of his neck, and I instantly feel the vibrations of his voice He sounds nervous. « Sometimes I… I don’t know I think it’s weird almost I - » I feel the tremor in his voice, and because I am pretty certain I am as nervous and unsettled as him, I grab his hand and puts it on my beating heart. The smile he gives me lights up the whole room._

_« Everything happened so fast. It might even be too early for me to say this but I feel like I must. I love you »_

_I am definitely in love with Sam Heughan._

_Fuck._

I am cutting carrots when I hear him coming into the kitchen. 

Now that we left the bedroom, I find that the words fail me. I am suddenly very self-conscious, and the weight of what I eventually have to tell him is making it hard for me to act completely normal. 

« When were you planning on telling me? »  

I am taken by a wave of complete panic, something like I have never felt before. Nothing that I have been through in my life, can compare to this moment. 

« What? »  Playing dumb seems to be my best option at the moment. 

« When were you planning on telling me you were getting engaged Caitriona » the words sound so wrong coming from his mouth. I could never be with anyone else. Never. From the look on his face, I am pretty certain that the mere idea doesn’t appeal to him either. 

« Christ » His expression is of pure disdain, and anger. And maybe sadness too. 

« Sam, you have to listen to me. It’s Tony » 

« What do you mean it’s Tony? »  

« I am doing it for publicity, they thought it would be good for me » saying it out loud sounds completely ridiculous and out of touch. But I just can’t stop myself « I need to be established, people need to know who I am outside of the show. It will be good for you too » What the hell am I even saying? « I wanted to tell you before but I could not. It’s not real Sam, it does not change anything for us » 

« You can’t be serious. How do you ever expect us to have a functioning relationship? Isn’t it hard enough now? »  

« I am not actually engaged Sam »  

« Real or not, that is what you’re going to sell. It’s not going to get easier for us. I can’t believe you would ever agree to this » 

« Easy for you to say, you don’t have to move a bloody finger and everyone is after you. And you’re overreacting » Except he is not. I would probably kill him if he ever did something like that for the same reasons. 

« What does that even mean? »  

« You know what I mean » I am not entirely certain what I mean myself, but I sure as hell won’t tell him that. 

« I tried so hard to always be on your side, to not step on your toes. I never regretted it, I did it because I love you. You know that. And now you’re blaming me for what? » 

Of course I do know. But in the moment, I can’t seem to think rationally. I am so busy thinking, I don’t even notice him grabbing his things and putting his coat. 

« What are you doing? » I can’t recognize my own voice. 

« I am going back home »  

« Don’t be ridiculous, we have a flight in just a couple of hours » I don’t understand why I am so harsh with him. It’s something I can’t control, and it’s so much easier than being vulnerable. It’s a side of myself I don’t particularly like, but when I feel panic or anxiety I always go back to it. 

He makes a sound somewhere between a tired sigh and laugh « No, I am absolutely not going there » 

« What do you mean? you can’t possibly be serious »  

« I mean, that I am certainly not going to sit beside you and pretend that everything is great when I can barely stand to look at you right now » I am not even angry anymore, I am fucking scared. I start crying tears of rage, of shame, but mostly sadness. I can’t believe that this is where we are. 

« No you can’t leave me » My heart is beating so fast; it feels like it’ll burst out from my chest. I know it will. He can’t leave me. I know I failed him, more times than I would want to admit, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing he would give me another chance. I did it for him before. But judging by the look on his face, I don’t think that he will right now. He is determined to leave. In less then a second I am in front of him, trying to get him to look at me. What a sight I must be, with my wild eyes and my visible trembling. Pathetic. 

« Sam, listen to me » I’ve seen him deal with so many emotions, I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. But in this moment, I realize that I’ve never seen him that disappointed with me. He was always the first to tell me that I am the best, and that I could do anything I wanted. I’ve never seen him that angry either, and it scares me. Because I don’t know what to do. There’s only one thing left to say. 

« I love you so, so much. I’ll make it better I promise, ok? » He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t even glance my way. And just like that, I am back at being angry. 

« What the fuck is your problem? How can you give up on us? » 

« Give up on us? » He looks at me with the strangest of expression. I know he can see the secrets of my soul and feel my despair. But he looks at me with something close to disgust, and I am not certain I can take it. 

« How can you even blame me of not trying. I tried with all my heart, you know that » 

And just like that he grabs his bags, ignores my deadly hold on his shirt and opens the door. 

« Goodbye Caitriona » The slamming of the door rattles the walls and rips my soul apart.

* * *

I don’t think I sleep that night. I do remember crying all night, and yet I don’t feel better.

Not in the slightest.

I already know this interview is going to be a disaster, and I know I am not ready to face the many questions that are sure to come. I don’t know why I am disappointed when I don’t see him in the lodge. I guess a part of me still had hope that he would be there, that he would change his mind. But he isn’t, and I feel completely without bearings. Completely lost.

My finger hovers over his number on my phone. I want so badly to call him, to hear his voice. But then, what would I even say? More importantly, how will he react? Maybe I should stick to texting. After editing the message more times than I would dare admit, I hit send and hide my phone in my purse.

_Hi. I don’t know how to begin. I am not even sure if I should say anything. Maybe we need time for ourselves, but please remember that I love you. I decided to leave for Ireland before going to Australia, maybe time with my family will help. I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for your support x


	5. Lemons and Hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone ! This whole chapter is a flashback ! I initially was not sure if I wanted to include it in my story, but it's always been a part of the story it in my head. I felt it was crucial to understand the next chapters, which by the way this story is getting way longer than intended. This chapter was originally a lot longer, but I ended up cutting down for many reasons. I hope you enjoy it ! 
> 
> Trigger warning : Child Loss / miscarriage

July 2016

_Hey. I am in the hospital. Come see me? I want lemon and hugs x_

Her text appears on my phone whilst I am scrolling down Twitter, and it has the effect of a bomb. I drop everything I am doing, and stand up in a heartbeat already grabbing my car keys. I try calling her numerous times, but she never picks up.

« Shit » She would probably laugh at me from being so nervous, but fuck I can’t help it. Plus, no matter what she says, I am pretty certain she would feel the same. She just doesn’t like admitting these things.

I stop for an instant, take a deep breath, and send her a text that I hope doesn’t sound too panicked.

_Are you all right?? Can you call me, I need to hear your voice ;(_

She’s surprisingly quick to reply.

_I’m fine. I am almost out of battery. Are you coming?_

_Yes!! I am leaving the set now. I love you._

_Ok. Don’t forget the lemons please._

Our exchange appeases me a little. It’s a typical reaction from her, and I am thinking that things can’t be that bad if she has the time to think about lemons right now. But I can’t help feeling that something is awfully wrong.

I don’t like this at all.

I try to reason with myself for the whole duration of the car ride. It could be anything, I am probably over-reacting, which I do all the time when it comes to her. Surely she would have told me if it was anything bad. Anemia, regular blood taste, it could be anything. She has struggled with anemia before.

But Christ I just can’t help it. I reach for my phone and call her again.

Straight to Voicemail.

I take another deep breath, stop for the lemons, and pray all is well.

 

* * *

 

« Hi, can I have Caitriona Balfe’s room number please »

« Sure, just give me a moment »

I nod politely and move my attention at some very interesting painting on the wall. There is something singular about it, almost weird to be frank, and I think that Caitriona might actually like it. For such a stylish person, she really does have a tendency to love things of questionable taste when it comes to some things. 

It's one of my favourite things about her. I sometimes make fun of it, but I would not want it any other way.

« She is in room 524, maternity floor » 

Instantly my heart stops, and all those ugly colours in that picture blend it together. Maternity floor, it can’t be right.

So many scenarios are going through my mind. No matter what happened, I somehow know it will change our life forever. Every part of me wants to believe that she’ll tell me what I always wanted to hear from her mouth, but deep down I know that something terrible has happened.

I can feel those things when it comes to her.

So many emotions are going through me as I walk towards her room. Sadness, misunderstanding, concern, anger. Anger because she did not tell me sooner. Maybe she did not want to worry me, but I can’t help but wondering if she simply just did not want too tell me.

But the small amount of bitterness I had disappeared the moment I saw her laying on the hospital bed.

Instantly I know that what happened is terrible, and the small remaining hope I had about what she had to tell me is gone. There is nothing about the woman laying in front of me that I recognize. Nothing in the way she limply holds herself, and certainly nothing in the blank look she has on her face. My foot seem to be stuck there next to the door, and I stay unmoving for an undetermined amount of time.

Selfishly, I need her courage and her resilience to help me make those few first steps towards her. Because frankly, I am terrified about what she is going to tell me.

I have dealt with many different Caitriona before. Happy Caitriona, Sad Caitriona, demanding Caitriona. But never a defeated one. And I am not sure how to deal with that version of her.

Suddenly I am walking towards her bed, without my brain even processing it. Once I reach her, I am not so sure what to do with my hands. Does she need my touch, or does she fear it ?

That’s the mysterious part about Caitriona. Strong and independent, and yet at the same time extremely vulnerable. She is convinced that needing and loving is weak, whilst I think it makes us stronger. That issue was at the center of many discussions, and at one point it was simply easier to let it go. Clearly we were never going to agree about it. I love her, and I need her. She loves me, but she also likes to keep me away.

But I know better.

Standing next to her, I am not so sure what to do. I am about the open my mouth to say something silly about the lemons, but she thankfully beats me to it.

« I am a murderess ». She doesn’t look at me, but in that moment I know that I owe it to her to be the stronger one. I won’t let her talk about herself in that way. I am clueless about so many things, but she needs strength. My strength.

Her arms are folded on her chest, and she is stares everywhere but at me. « I killed our little baby ». Her voice breaks on the last syllable, and consciousness be damned. I put my both of my hands on the side of her face, and will her to look at me.

« Caitriona open your eyes ». She is stiff under my touch, unreachable.

« Our baby ». Her voice breaks on the last syllable, and I have her in my arms in less than an instant. Violent sobs racked her whole body, and I can feel her drowning in their strength. « God Sam I am so, so sorry. I swear I did not know ».

« I know. There is nothing to forgive my love » I put every remaining strength and conviction in my next words « This is not your fault »

She shakes her head, and brings her hands to her flat stomach, probably wanting to protect something that is already gone.

« I am the mother. I should have known » 

And then she blurts out all these words, about how she always wanted a family with me, and how it was all she could think about. We never really talked about it, she never demonstrated any type of interest for it. I knew she was not closed to the idea, but I also thought that her career was her main focus.

It breaks my heart even more to hear these words, because it’s also what I wanted. What I still want. How could this possibly be meant to be?

« Look at me » Her eyes are frantic, practically begging me to give her a logical answer. Which I don’t have, and it breaks my heart.

« None of this is your fault. Do you understand me? »

« But I drank, and I even smoked! »

I think back to a beautiful evening a couple of weeks ago. Not more than a month surely. We drank a little too much, indulged ourselves to a pack of cigarettes under the stars, and ended up making love several times. I don’t even want to entertain the possibility that this beautiful night could have a played a role in this tragedy.

« We have our own angel now. It’ll look over us. And we’ll keep it in our hearts, always»

We cling to each other, and I vow to myself that I will never let her go. I will always protect her. I don’t think I have ever loved her more than I do in this moment.

Our foreheads are pressed together, and the only sound that can be heard is the one of our breathing and our silent tears.

« I love you. I need you. » Never in my life have I ever heard her say the word need before. Want, love, but never need.

« I love you too. We’ll get through this together, I promise you. »

She delicately presses her lips to mine, in a tender kiss. I lay her back down in the small bed, willing her to go to sleep. Our hands are tightly clasped together, and my free hand is tenderly smoothing the lines of concern on her forehead.

« Do you have my lemons? » Her eyes are still closed, and I know that she is half asleep. I can’t stop the small smile from appearing on my face.

« Yes, I do » She gives me a small nod of the head, and I squeeze her hand in answer. « Go to sleep my love, I am right here »

I will never leave her.


End file.
